Three.

The next time a friend’s child turns three, I will send the parents a fifth of vodka and a catcher’s mask. Because that is necessary equipment. For you regulars who are awaiting my monthly letter to Roper, I have made the switch to quarterly letters, (Spoiler alert: he still wants me to buy a penis at the “penis store”. It is his opinion that I’m under-equipped and at a disadvantage.) but here’s a fix to get you through to next month.

6:14am Awakened by a small tyrant shouting an inch from my face, “Wake up, I want dinner!” Does his spit count as a shower?

7:03am Email to Toby…

Subject: Plumbing

Roper unwound an entire roll of toilet paper and put it in the toilet. On top of his poop. It’s piled higher than the seat. I don’t even know how to begin. Do we have a bucket I can put it all in?

Can I interject here? I think it was actually TWO rolls of toilet paper…and he didn’t use a single square of that paper to wipe.

12:34pm Phone call to Toby explaining Roper’s earlier garbled/proud/excited voicemail…

Yeah. He wanted you to know that he was hanging on the door handle of the car while standing on the tire (as I have repeatedly told him not to do) and the door swung open smashing the back of his head into the wall of the carport, while simultaneously smashing his face with the door. And then he dropped on the ground and hit the back of his head on the cement. *sigh* He’s fine. Disturbingly fine.

1:00pm Screamfest 2012. The critter has lungs…2026 Freediving World Champion? Is there any money in that? Because that would TOTALLY make today worth it.

2:28pm Email to Toby…

Subject: Mer

No, he’s not napping. Yes, I am drinking.

3:31pm Roper is standing on the coffee table wearing only his underpants (festooned with Tow Mater) shouting “I am a ROCK STAR!” and playing air guitar.

Is it so wrong that I’m working with headphones right now? We’re both still alive. I count that as a win. #WINNING