Rewriting the Vows

The other day we were working up at the property and I was scraping packrat fecal matter out of an oven.  Seriously, do other wives ever have to write sentences like that?  All I could think was I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.  Which made me think about our wedding vows.  I’m pretty sure packrats weren’t mentioned, but maybe they should have been.

I mean, the original vows we wrote were sweet and all, but now that we’re getting a hang of this marriage thing (HA!) I realize we need to add a few things.   Toby, here are my amendments to our vows:

1. I vow to die first.  I know our vows said “until death do us part” but I want to be clear that it will be MY death that happens first.  I’m an emotional weenie and can’t handle anyone dying before me.  WE CAN’T AFFORD THE COUNSELING.
2. I vow to live to be one hundred.  Because I have a lot of crap left to do.  Luckily, you are younger than me so you only have to live to ninety-nine to fulfill Vow Amendment #1.  Start eating your veggies!
3. I vow to continue flashing you in empty grocery store aisles whenever the opportunity arises.
4. Anything that is said after 9pm will not be held against me.
5. Anything that is said before 9am will not be held against you.
6. I vow to support your dream to build our home yourself, as long as you understand that it’s not MY dream.  My only dream is to keep everyone alive and our marriage intact throughout the process  ;)
7. I vow to never lose my sense of humor.  (Reminder:  Vow Amendment #3 has a built-in waiver for after 9pm)
8. I vow to not wear a hoodie sweatshirt Every. Single. Day.  Even though it’s the best article of clothing ever invented.  EVER.
9. I vow to continue mountain biking, skiing and riding motorcycles with you for as long as this poor body will allow me – because those are some of my favorite times.

Suggested vow for you:  I, Toby, vow to remove dead animals and fecal matter from the trailer, shop, etc.  ASAP.  Also, maybe something about never caring if the house is clean or if dinner is made…  ;)

Does that cover all of the important stuff?  Sports, hoodies, laughing, supporting dreams, and NOT dying.  That ought to hold us for a while.